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Goodness, I relate to this so much. I swear, Kelly and I are kindred spirits down to the bone.
I mean, I’m pursuing a future in science instead of art! That sounds weird. I’ve done art my whole life and I was convinced I would do it for the entirety of my existence, I knew that it would support me one day.
Did I wake up? What changed?
I stopped enjoying it. Creating felt more like a chore. Depending on it for whatever little income it gave me, even though I have a day job, made me hate it. I don’t want to hate it. I don’t want to stop doing it, either.
But I have to.
Admitting that is painful and seeing myself move further and further away from my dream life is heartbreaking.
But I love space and I appreciate life and I know we will find it elsewhere out there in the universe. I have to know it’s there. Hell, I think we all need to know we’re not alone. Being a part of that discovery is my new dream.
I can still make art as a scientist and maybe not having to depend on it will help me appreciate it again.
After all, isn’t distance supposed to make the heart grow fonder?
Anyway, I still cry about it every day but that still isn’t helping me produce much. Over time, maybe? I just don’t know.